The U.S. intelligence community has long struggled with groupthink, bureaucratic bloat, and the occasional whoopsie that leads to a decades-long war. So naturally, what better way to shake things up than appointing Tulsi Gabbard—a politician who’s been on a political tour of America’s ideological spectrum like a contestant on The Amazing Race? From Democrat to […]
In his latest attempt to reinvent things that already exist, Elon Musk has decided that democracy is simply too expensive to maintain. And honestly, he’s got a point—have you seen the price tag? Free speech, public services, functioning institutions—it all adds up. Maybe if the Constitution had a Black Friday sale, we wouldn’t even be […]
In today’s edition of Using Religion to Justify Whatever You Want, Senator J.D. Vance has discovered a totally real, definitely-not-made-up Catholic doctrine that supports mass deportations. Apparently, if you squint hard enough at the Bible (or just completely rewrite it), Jesus stops being that “love thy neighbor” guy and starts moonlighting as a border patrol […]
The Department of Justice has unveiled a bold new approach to legal accountability: prosecution based on vibes. Who needs due process when we can just decide who gets charged based on political convenience? It’s the future of justice—efficient, selective, and definitely not rigged! Eric Adams, once under federal investigation for allegedly soliciting foreign donations from […]