Big Oil Goes Green! Now Promises ‘Organic’ Oil Spills and Free Tree with Every Purchase

Good news, everyone! The same oil companies that have spent decades torching the planet like a backyard bonfire have finally decided to care about climate change. Their solution? Organic drilling.

That’s right—ExxonMobil, Shell, and the rest of Big Oil are now committed to making their planetary destruction more sustainable. Because nothing says eco-friendly like drilling a mile into the Earth’s crust, but with all-natural, hand-crafted toxins.

And don’t worry—for every barrel of crude oil extracted, they’ll plant a tree. That tree will then, of course, be chopped down to make room for another pipeline.

What Is Organic Drilling?

Oil executives want you to know they’re serious about the environment. Their new organic approach includes:

• All-Natural Drilling Fluids: No more synthetic chemicals! Just good old-fashioned, locally sourced Earth toxins.
• Ethical Fracking™: They promise to fracture the Earth’s crust gently, like a wellness influencer cracking a fresh coconut.
• Sustainable Oil Spills: All future spills will now be labeled as “marine exfoliation treatments.”

Big Oil’s Commitment to the Planet

These companies understand the urgency of climate change—mostly because their beachfront mansions are at risk. To prove their commitment, they’ve made some bold promises:

• Net-Zero Emissions… Eventually: They’re aiming for carbon neutrality by 2099—or sooner if Mars colonization works out.
• Wind-Powered Oil Rigs: Because nothing says irony like using renewable energy to extract fossil fuels.
• A Tree-For-Oil Loyalty Program: Extract 100,000 barrels? Enjoy a single sapling as our gift to you.

Trust Us, We’re Different Now

Skeptical? That’s understandable. But Big Oil swears this time it’s different.

This is NOT like when they:

✅ Hid climate science for 50 years.
✅ Funded disinformation campaigns.
✅ Promoted fossil fuels as ‘clean energy.’
✅ Held Earth Day press conferences while lobbying for more pipelines.

No, this time they mean it. They recycle now.

Exclusive: Fake CEO Quote for Maximum PR Spin

ExxonMobil’s CEO explains: “We deeply care about the environment, which is why we’ve switched to an organic, gluten-free approach to drilling. Our oil is now free-range and sustainably extracted—by which we mean it’s still oil, but the PR sounds nicer.”

Saving the Planet, One PR Stunt at a Time

With organic drilling, Big Oil is proving that you can, in fact, destroy the environment responsibly. And if that’s not enough, don’t worry—they’ll have an inspiring commercial with soft piano music to make you feel better about it.

So next time you fill up your gas tank, don’t feel guilty! It’s practically a donation to an environmental cause. Just ignore the pipeline behind you.