Chaos, Controversy, and Confusion: A White House Press Conference for the History Books

By now, I should know better than to watch a White House press conference expecting information. That’s like expecting my dog to suddenly recite Hamlet—it’s just not in the cards. And yet, every once in a while, curiosity gets the better of me, and I find myself tuning in, slack-jawed, watching the political equivalent of a slow-motion car crash.

This week’s installment featured Caroline Leavitt, the latest contestant in the reality show that is the White House Press Secretary Job. Leavitt, a woman who appears to have studied public speaking under a hostage negotiator, spent much of her time dodging, weaving, and generally refusing to acknowledge the existence of basic facts.

Let’s start with the simplest of questions: Who runs DOGE?

Now, if you’re like me, you’re probably thinking, “DOGE? Like the meme with the Shiba Inu? Wow. Such governance.” But no, apparently DOGE stands for the Department of Government Oversight, an agency whose very name suggests it should have a leader. The problem? No one, including Leavitt, seemed willing to admit who that might be.

“Elon Musk is overseeing DOGE,” she said.

Excuse me? The same Elon Musk who once named his child after a Wi-Fi password? The man who manages his companies like a sleep-deprived toddler on a sugar high? That Elon Musk?

Naturally, reporters weren’t satisfied. They pressed her: Who is the actual administrator?

“There are career officials. There are political appointees. I’m not going to reveal the name of that individual from this podium.”

Well, why not? Is it Beetlejuice? If you say their name three times, do they materialize and start firing people via Twitter? This, as one might imagine, did not go over well.

Guantanamo Bay: Now Featuring a Luxurious Cage Experience!

But it wasn’t just Musk’s mysterious role in government that had people fuming. No, Leavitt also found herself fielding questions about a Washington Post report that migrants at Guantanamo Bay were being treated less like people and more like houseplants you forgot to water.

Apparently, they were shackled and placed in cages. When asked if the administration had any response to these deeply disturbing allegations, Leavitt replied with all the warmth of a DMV employee at closing time:

“This is a promise the president campaigned on. If you break our country’s laws and commit heinous crimes, then you may be held at Guantanamo Bay.”

Ah, yes, the “you brought this upon yourselves” approach to human rights. The kind of logic that says, well, if you didn’t want to get punched in the face, maybe you shouldn’t have had a face in the first place.

Elon Musk is in the Cabinet Now?

Things didn’t improve when a reporter asked if Elon Musk would be attending the president’s first Cabinet meeting. I assumed this would be met with a polite chuckle, followed by something like, Oh, no, of course not, the government is not a startup pitch meeting.

Instead, we got this:

“He is, as a matter of fact.”

I must have blacked out for a second because when I came to, my phone was in my hand, and I was Googling, how to apply for Canadian citizenship.

The idea of Musk sitting in on a meeting of the most powerful people in the country is the kind of thing that makes you want to lie down in the middle of the street and just let fate take its course. It’s bad enough that his handling of Twitter has been an unfolding disaster of impulsive decisions and botched leadership—now he’s bringing that same energy to federal governance?

But don’t worry! According to Leavitt, Musk will be there to talk about waste, fraud, and abuse. Which is ironic, because he’s the guy who paid $44 billion for a website that now sells blue checkmarks to people with usernames like @ElonMusk_Fan69.

Meanwhile, At the Pentagon…

Then came the military bombshell: The administration suddenly replaced General C.Q. Brown Jr., Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Why? According to Leavitt:

“The president thinks he’s doing a bad job.”

Ah, yes. A carefully reasoned analysis of the situation. Definitely not the kind of feedback one gives when deciding between two flavors of Pop-Tarts.

To make matters even more eyebrow-raising, the administration chose Pete Hegseth, a former Fox News host with zero military command experience, to replace him.

This is a man who once said, “I don’t think handwashing helps prevent illness,” and now he’s in charge of national security decisions. That’s like hiring a man who says, “I don’t believe in brakes,” to drive a school bus.

Press Freedom? That’s Cute.

As if things weren’t already spiraling, Leavitt gleefully announced that the White House would be taking control of the press pool, meaning the administration would personally select which journalists get to attend press briefings.

For those unfamiliar, this is the political equivalent of rigging the guest list at your own birthday party to ensure that only people who bring good presents are allowed in.

Historically, the White House Correspondents’ Association has handled this duty to maintain neutrality and protect press access. But why let a decades-old system of journalistic integrity get in the way of stacking the room with sycophants and sycophants-in-training?

Dan Bongino: From Podcast to Power

Oh, and if you were wondering whether the administration was making competent law enforcement appointments, fear not! They tapped Dan Bongino, a former Secret Service agent turned full-time rage podcaster, to be Deputy FBI Director.

Leavitt took offense at suggestions that Bongino might not be the best choice, snapping:

“It is despicable to label him as a far-right podcaster.”

Ma’am, his entire career is being a far-right podcaster. That’s like calling me a writer and then gasping, “How dare you? He merely arranges words in a row for a living!”

So, Was This the Worst Press Conference Ever?

If press conferences were a sport, this one would have been the Super Bowl of disaster.

• We don’t know who runs DOGE.
• Elon Musk is somehow in the Cabinet now.
• Migrants are being detained in cages, and the administration is weirdly proud of it.
• The military leadership is being replaced like a bad reality show cast.
• The White House wants to handpick which reporters can ask questions.
• And Dan Bongino is now in charge of law enforcement decisions.

This wasn’t a press conference. It was a dystopian Mad Libs game.

So, yes. It was probably the worst press conference in history. But, then again, we’ve got at least four more years of this circus—so, who knows? Maybe this was just the warm-up act.