DOJ Drops Charges Against Eric Adams—A Masterclass in Streamlined Justice

The Department of Justice has unveiled a bold new approach to legal accountability: prosecution based on vibes. Who needs due process when we can just decide who gets charged based on political convenience? It’s the future of justice—efficient, selective, and definitely not rigged!

Eric Adams, once under federal investigation for allegedly soliciting foreign donations from Turkey, is now free to continue whatever it is he does as mayor. But before you assume this is just a Democratic problem, let’s take a step back. Because, honestly, if you’re powerful enough, the system tends to look the other way—no matter what side you’re on.

Justice, But Make It Convenient

To the untrained eye, this might seem like political favoritism. But no—this is just the next phase of Effortless Law Enforcement™, where prosecution is determined by:

  • Party Loyalty: Are you in the right political club? Congratulations, enjoy your “Get Out of Jail Free” card.
  • PR Risk Assessment: Does charging you look bad for powerful people? If yes, no further action needed.
  • Selective Outrage Metrics™: If the scandal doesn’t generate the correct level of public outrage, it simply doesn’t exist.

And in case you thought this was just a Democrat thing—remember when Jared Kushner secured a $2 billion investment from Saudi Arabia with zero consequences? Or how Clarence Thomas conveniently “forgot” to disclose luxury gifts from billionaire donors? The real political party in power is wealth and influence, and membership is exclusive.

A Justice System for the Modern Era

The DOJ is essentially Marie Kondo-ing the legal process—only prosecuting cases that “spark joy” (or spark political necessity). And to streamline things further, they may soon introduce:

  • A “Legal Fast Pass” System: Available to billionaires, Wall Street executives, and anyone with a strong enough PAC.
  • Crime Loyalty Rewards: Commit enough infractions without consequences, and your next one is free! (Trump is already platinum status.)
  • The “Oops, We Looked Away” Doctrine: If an official does something shady but it’s inconvenient to prosecute, it simply didn’t happen.

Don’t Ask Questions—Just Trust the System

For anyone concerned that this might set a terrible precedent, just remember: fairness is subjective, and the DOJ knows best. If they say Eric Adams’ situation is not worth pursuing, but they’ll throw the book at some lesser-known official for a parking ticket mishap, well—who are we to argue?

If justice were truly blind, it wouldn’t be checking party affiliation before pressing charges. But at this point, why not just let Goldman Sachs pick who gets prosecuted? They already run the economy.

Maybe one day, justice will be fair for everyone. Until then, enjoy the show.

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