DOJ Introduces ‘Resignation Incentive Program’—Because Ethics Are Overrated
The Department of Justice has finally cracked the code on workplace morale. No, not by holding powerful people accountable or ensuring fair prosecutions—but by launching a “Resignation Incentive Program” to help prosecutors quit before their souls do.
Yes, instead of fixing systemic corruption, the DOJ’s brilliant solution is to encourage employees to resign when faced with ethically sketchy directives. Because why challenge injustice when you can just…walk away from it?
How It Works: A Simple Three-Step Process
- Receive a morally bankrupt directive—maybe something fun, like ignoring political corruption or helping billionaires avoid consequences.
- Decide between keeping your job or keeping your conscience—because God forbid reform be an option.
- Take the guilt-free exit package and let the system continue running like a money-laundering machine at full speed.
Program Benefits: A DOJ That Finally Works… for the Wrong People
- Moral Flexibility™: Employees who like ethics can resign, while those comfortable with corruption can get promoted faster.
- Guilt-Free Workplace: The DOJ doesn’t need whistleblowers if there’s no one left to feel bad about what’s happening.
- Government Efficiency! Fewer people fighting corruption = fewer internal investigations = smoother bureaucracy!
Who Wins? (Hint: Not You)
- Corrupt Officials: Congratulations, the DOJ is officially a judgment-free zone! Take bribes, obstruct justice—who’s gonna stop you now?
- Future Lobbyists: Ex-prosecutors who resign on principle can cash in as consultants, where moral concerns are even less relevant.
- Everyone Who Enjoys Watching Institutions Collapse: If you love a good, slow-motion government failure, this one’s for you.
If It Works, Expect More “Morale Boosting” Programs
Why stop at the DOJ? Other agencies could definitely benefit from similar initiatives:
- The “Uncomfortable Truth Early Retirement Plan”—for CIA analysts tired of justifying another coup.
- The “Do What The Donors Want” Fellowship—for politicians struggling with campaign finance ethics.
- The “Just Ignore It” Package—for Supreme Court justices who “forgot” to disclose billionaire gifts.
Just Resign, It’s Easier
The DOJ’s message is clear: If you don’t like corruption, hypocrisy, and selective prosecution—just leave. We’re not fixing it.
And honestly, at this rate, maybe voters, taxpayers, and anyone who still believes in justice should take the hint too.
