J.D. Vance Says Catholicism Supports Deportations—A Holy Revelation

In today’s edition of Using Religion to Justify Whatever You Want, Senator J.D. Vance has discovered a totally real, definitely-not-made-up Catholic doctrine that supports mass deportations. Apparently, if you squint hard enough at the Bible (or just completely rewrite it), Jesus stops being that “love thy neighbor” guy and starts moonlighting as a border patrol agent.

It’s a bold new theological stance. And who knows? Maybe there is some long-lost scripture where St. Peter checks passports at the pearly gates, shaking his head at undocumented souls. We can’t prove there isn’t.

The Gospel According to J.D. Vance

J.D. Vance, who is now both a U.S. Senator and, apparently, the Pope, argues that Catholicism supports keeping migrants out—because family values or sovereignty or something that sounds religious if you say it with enough conviction.

To sum up his new and improved version of Christianity:

  • Jesus would build the wall. The loaves and fishes miracle? That was an America First food distribution program.
  • The Good Samaritan had a work visa. Otherwise, he would have been left on the side of the road.
  • Mary and Joseph? Should have applied legally. No inn? No problem—just wait 10-15 years for visa processing.

Selective Christianity—Now With More Deportations!

Of course, this is not the first time politicians have turned religion into a Choose Your Own Adventure book. Some rules are very important (see: anything about gender, marriage, and controlling women’s bodies), while others—like caring for the poor and welcoming the stranger—are just suggestions.

And under Vance’s theological system, we can now add:

  • Blessed are the asylum seekers… wait, no, not those ones.
  • Render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s… but only if it benefits billionaires.
  • Suffer the little children… unless they’re at the border, then deport them.

Saints, Sinners, and Citizenship Papers

At the end of the day, J.D. Vance is just following a long tradition of using faith as a policy prop. If Catholicism really backed mass deportations, the Vatican would have an ICE branch. Instead, it has a Pope who literally washes migrants’ feet—which, to be fair, probably makes Vance very uncomfortable.

But sure, let’s pretend Jesus was all about border enforcement. And while we’re at it, let’s see if we can find that Bible passage where he privatizes healthcare.

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